I came close to understanding a great mystery recently. The answer to my pain with respect to some people in my life. On the face of it these relationships look so close and intimate, but I just could not find the resting place in them. I tried my best to mend, improve, change, adjust, adapt myself in these relationships or I tried to mend, improve, change the other. I did what I could, I did not do what was not needed, I did what was needed, I screamed, I cried, I shouted, I pleaded, I begged, I gave in, I let the the other to give in. Everything possible according to me I tried. I thought something was wrong with me and may be something was wrong with the other.
But then I started to pay more attention to the relationships that had joy, fun, lightness, great affection and easy flow. I slowed down, I simply started to be more in the presence of these joyful relationships. With one special person in my life, I felt great pain, as if completely inadequate and incapable of seeing each other. All conversations and attempts ended in more pain and loneliness, with both of us trying to come closer and ending up in pushing each other farther away.
I felt great sexual repression and extreme stress on my heart region. It was like having a cardiac arrest. I let go. I fell apart. I went into the plateau of nothingness and non-doing.
That is when clarity and answers and true insights started to reveal itself to me. I saw what I was missing in these painful relationships. Answers started to come from different sources. I was missing one vital element in this painful togetherness. Eye-to-eye contact and breathing together while simply gazing at each other’s eyes in silence.
Then I started to see how with my joyful relationships there was an open invitation into the each other’s inner world through eye contact, through holding the gaze. All my joyful relationships had one common factor, ‘we looked at each other’s eyes and held that gaze to reach the heart.’ We were allowing a glimpse into our soul’s to each other. We are being given entry to each other’s inner world where we saw and understood everything. We are able to reach a space of complete union of souls. I do not feel sexual repressions in these relationships. Infact I dance, sing and laugh and cry joyfully. I am able to operate from my belly, from the region of my sex chakra (the seat of creativity and life) and the energy that releases from there reaches my heart and makes me calm and peaceful and happy. Makes me feel fully held. It made me feel secure, safe and loving.
In these joyful relationships I feel sexually liberated even though we are not ‘doing sex’. I feel all aspects of my being come alive in a dance of abundance in these spaces. And these relationships are all with mixed gender people.
I am seeing how in the painful relationships, I am not missing the actual act of sex, but this possibility of inner sexual union. I feel disembodied and in great pain as if I am being caved in or being imprisoned.
And as these deep insights started to happen, a book, ‘The Spiritual Practices of Rumi – radical techniques for beholding the divine’ By Will Johnson came into my lap.
The contents of this book is fully validating what I am seeing deeply now. What I am missing in the painful relationships is communion through looking at each other’s eyes. I am missing the connection and merger with the inner world of these people. I want to hold the gaze, and what I see are roving eyes. I want stillness, and what I see are distractions.
I am feeling so happy and relieved. I am not wrong in feeling what I was feeling. I am whole and complete. I am full of love and compassion.
And I must also be honest here, this book came into my lap from one of these painful relationships. All painful relationships are in my life to take me deeper into the universal soul. They are in my life to take me home to where I truly belong and where I came from.
So deep gratitude to all the major pains in my A**.:)
Sorry I had to me myself with my dark humor in the end. As for me only my humor saves the day for me, always!