You know how there comes a moment in life, when when one looks back, and finds nothing and then looks forward and finds nothing. Then the only way is to look at the present moment. And whatever is there in that moment is all one has, good or bad, does not somehow matter anymore. As it is all one has, for better or for worse, as they say.
I was reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying..and Sogyal Rinpoche says, this is the gap. A small glimpse of Bardo, the moment between living and dying, when the true nature of the mind is revealed in death. He says during lifetime also this Bardo can be experienced when the mind is in that gap.
It is a feeling of emptiness, nothingness, nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back at. And one panics..as it is the most scary space to be in, if one is not in some kind of practice. He urges people to stay in that gap as only by staying there something profound and blissful dawns on the mind….He calls it Ground Luminosity.
I started my practice with a teacher some years back. And during that time I was full of bubbling anticipation at some exciting things that is going to dawn on me at the end of it all..Well my dear compassionate and strict teacher would say…”You will laugh when it is all over..” But I used to cry most of the time at all the foolish and unkind things I did to myself and others…Today I cry at the foolish expectation I had even out of the practice..The mind always wants grand things to happen. It weaves stories of grandiose and power even out of the practice…
Today that practice is part of my mundane life. Nothing great and grandiose about it. Just simple waking up in the morning and walking my dog, Goldy. Then sitting for a 20 minutes chanting. Then 20 minutes silence sitting. I then make my pot of tea and sip it leisurely. I write and catch up on my mails on internet and Facebook.
I read something or just potter around the house till the kids are awake. Then it is breakfast, time with them, house work, outside chores, catching up with some people and then before you know it is time to sleep again.
I like the evening time very much. Somehow by then one is flowing with life.
I do have my share of anxiety, especially in the morning when I wake up. Somedays it takes me a while to get into the present moment flow. But then I know I am not the only one…there are many like me..all over the world. Nothing special just profound nothingness of life…hard to digest..that it was all for this!!! So what was it all about really?? Now I know what my teacher meant…”you will laugh when it is all over..”
The frightening things one creates in one’s mind just to make some grand meaning out of life and then struggle with that seeking. Life just is…that is all..and that it is empty is frightening…as one is so used to making sense of it all the time by filling it with much that is not needed…