To continue my last post on “Fear of intimacy through physical touch.” I would willingly take questions from my readers or explain any doubt.
The first step is to examine which of the following is coming in the way of free expression of love and affection.
1. Lack of physical affection as children.
If this is true and if one feels that as a child one was not shown adequate physical affection. Then first accept this to be reality. And then look at your present and see if what you did not get as a child in the form of physical affection can be given by you to someone close to you now. If you are a parent then obvious choice are your children. If you are a young man or woman then your siblings, old parents, your girlfriends or boyfriends.
Remember you cannot change the past..but the present is always in your hands. The path of healing is to accept the past as it was and then do it all differently in the present. The love you missed out give to another..and it will open your heatr to new possibilities.
2 Children never having watched their parents or grandparents display love physically among themselves.
Be the leader in your family in changing this. Freely hug parents, grandparents, uncles and aunts and anyone who comes to your house. Even if they resist, don’t give up. They will yield and remember you are doing this for your healing..and in the process all get healed.
3. Children who were sexually and physically abused receive all forms of physical affection as potential threat to body and spirit. Hence there is mistrust and suspicion from the most innocent advances also.
This is the most difficult wound to heal. But first step in this is to acknowledge that “yes a very close trusted person abused me.” Accept your anger, the betrayal of trust. If that person is a parent or grandparent then please tell them how angry and hurt you have been all these years.If you cannot do this personally then use the power of visualisation to cut, hurt, beat or yell that person. Do this in your privacy or with a trusted friend or a therapist and take your time till you have a emotional purging. It could come as crying or a dream. Then release them and do not allow them to hold you at ransom anymore. Move on. The people you meet now are not going to do the same to you. Even if your mind says so…do not listen.
4. Social, religious and cultural conditioning which keeps humanity from reaching out with a loving touch.
If these beliefs are making you unhappy then they need examining.
5. Parents showing a false front of being asexual people. Children who come from families where sex and sexuality are all behind closed doors, thus keeping children in ignorance of the fact that their parents are also sexual beings who are making love.
Understand that all living beings are sexual beings. That is natural. Human beings are no different. Making love is not always to make babies but also to show love, trust and affection. It is normal to love with our bodies. There is nothing shameful about this. God made us like this. If you are parents please be open in showing affection to your spouse in front of the kids and talk to them about sex and sexuality. If you are unable to do so then seek help from books, guides and counselors.
6. Children who are shamed as kids for exploring their own bodies by feeling and touching their anatomy.
Please allow children to touch themselves, as they are only finding out about their bodies and nothing else. It is their body and we all have a right to touch ourselves. It only increases our knowledge of our own body. It gives us a knowledge of what pains and what gives pleasure. When they are older you could speak very matter of fact with children and ask them questions like “Does that feel good?” “Or you like touching your penis or vagina isn’t it, does that give you pleasure.” When the child says yes..just smile and let go. If they are older children you could ask them do touch themselves in private. Talk about breasts and sex organs with proper names and not nick names…
If you are in a relationship then ask your partner to touch you the way you would want to be touched. And offer to touch your partner the way he or she would like it. Explore each other’s bodies. Try and not get down to the act of sex right away. Take your time to understand each other’s bodies and your own. It will not be easy. Chances are that your partner might resist. But keep the communication open. Be soft and gentle and keep talking. If still it does not work..move on find someone else who will be willing to explore.