I have for a long time struggled with being honest to my natural way of being, because I wanted things to work out always in my favour. I wanted a certain outcome that looked perfect. I wanted all to like me and love me and validate me.
This looks so good on the outside. I was either the dotting daughter, the dutiful wife, the compliant girlfriend, the saintly feminine without any desires, the all sacrificing mom, the all knowing big sister, and much more. But hey you know after having been all that..all those roles just collapsed.
I grew to despise myself…as I was no longer able to supress the real me. Now those on the realm of spiritual high…like many I meet these days…might say..”And you are sure that the supressed being is the real you?”..”And have you examined the Self which is beyond..even this or that?”
I respect what they say…but I realise that to go beyond I first need to be at least real. I refuse to take those I love and care about for a ride by being dishonest about my true intentions. I do not want to be liked for being someone my loved ones want me to be or desire of me. I first want to be loved by me for being honest to myself and my reality. And I would like to offer that reality which is so pure and uncorrputed by external pulls and pushes.
I would also like to extend this offer to all my dear ones and all my loved ones…and to all those I do not know yet.
Make no mistake..that, this is about take it or leave it…No, it is about being authentic to my true being..which is unique to me and is as it is intented by the Universe to be.
Can two people who love each other hold up a real and true mirror of who each is? Thus giving the other a fair and square chance and an opportunity to make choices that agrees with each one’s spirit and well being.
When I love someone deeply I want to open myself completely to that person so that, that person has a choice. I have hurt myself manytimes over for having not done that. And I realise that I was hurting since I myself did not embrace many parts of myself and love them no matter what. I see how by judging my thoughts, feelings, emotions, needs, desires as bad, good, moral, immoral, as sin, not sin..I gave the power away to external sources.
To love deeply for me is to be able to rip open my heart and place it in front of my beloved….and during this process staying detached from any particular outcome. And walking away with dignity and deep love and affection for the one I love..even if sometimes the intentions do not match and even when it means to say that last GOODBYE!!
To love, for me, is to be true to oneself and not buy into someone else’s story or fanatsy of who I am or can be….and doing the same for that someone else.
The MIND is tricky and will make you believe anything that is not true…be alert, dispassionate, vigilant and do not fall for its many tricks. None of those tricks will lead you to love.
Stay in love…be loving, be honest. Try not to be dishonest for fear of loosing the one you love deeply..for if you do that you will loose the person anyway sooner or later.