What are control issues?
The lack of freedom one experiences at early childhood to express one self is the seed of all control issues. Besides the existential angst of death. The fear of death and the urgency to do things before death strikes!
Of course that is the deeper and larger spectrum and for those who are spiritually inclined. I will in this post stick to some basic, fundamental and easy to do or not do things that can stop your child from becoming a control freak.
And trust me this comes from loads of experience of the biggest control freak of all. ME.
Allowance to have one’s way in the growing up years can make the most secure human being on planet. Often parents operating from their OWN control issues fail to see this and just recreate the same story over and over again. So we have dysfunctional adults who were raised by dysfunctional adults raising more dysfunctional adults. WOW what a creative way to live man! Are we getting anywhere? NO NO NO…we are all like the eternal dog chasing its own tail….!
The biggest fear that prevents parents from allowing their children to have their way is that, they will loose out in life if they do not stick to tested (BUT MISERABLY FAILED) norms and conditions. And hence we have so many transformational coaches and counselors and shrinks and self proclaimed spiritual gurus and self help books making a whole lot money simply because YOUR PARENTS THOUGHT THEY KNEW WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU!!!
But hey look around you..and within yourself. The people all of you probably despise the most are your parents. And do you ever stop to think why? Do that without judging them or yourself and you will see it is simply because you were not allowed to watch TV while eating, or allowed to eat without washing your hands, or allowed to stay up late and watch a film or read a book, or not allowed to date your girlfriend or boyfriend, or allowed to eat only chicken and no rice or only daal and no vegetables, or always told to eat more than you wanted to at that moment or forced to eat less than you wished to. Man the list is as frivolous or as grave it can be!
But when you are a child these are more relevant and important than the next promotion, bonus or the date of the next EMI or the insurance premium. And guess what even with these seemingly grave and serious stuff we adults behave exactly as we did when we were kids! Since the PARENT is dead but hey LONG LIVE THE PARENT! He or she is in your head and you are foolishly still rebelling against or succumbing to their authority and control.
What an intelligent way to live?
So each time your wife nags you, you see and hear your mom. Your husband wants something or dislikes something you see or hear your dad. Your lover does not love you the way you want him or her to and guess what it is because your mom and dad thought it better to send you to school at 3 than keep you a little longer with you and shower all their love and affections on you or your parents thought it wiser and more stoic to keep you busy with future plans of career and power than spending some cuddly time just watching your favourite show or listening to your heartbreaks and imaginations or dreams!
Your superior at work does not approve of your proposal and you take it personally since you see your father not approving of your performance in studies. Men and women hate women bosses…since they hate their moms and teachers in school. You are always defensive since when you were a child love was betrayed by an adult who abused you physically or emotionally or verbally or even sexually. The walls a child built to protect itself against controlling adults soon became a citadel which stopped vulnerability and flow of trust and faith.
Or how about this one..this is the biggest whammy of all, you know only one way to make love…since that is what was taught in biology class and the teacher thought and explained that sex is only for making babies. And anyone who is bold and beautiful and expresses sexuality for its own pure essence, is called a slut or a sex maniac!!!
Your notions of your body and sexuality is still governed by what your parents told you about sex being bad and they caught you with your pants down masturbating or if you spend too much time in the loo DOING, “you know what” and your mom kept banging on the door to hurry it up! And hence the first woman or man you feel sexually attracted to, you think you must stay committed to and then end up in a marriage which sucks or you feel dejected and rejected and stay with guilt for having had sexual urges for a man or woman you do not want for keeps! And then marry the next man or woman who your parents choose (for Indians and other Asians) or shows some vague interest in you. And all this since you have no clue about your own body and its functions and sensuality! Exploration of my own assets not allowed and morally wrong????
Even at 40 something when one is divorced twice or may be thrice and a man or a woman just wants to have sex with you..you prefer to stay alone and lonely because you are still afraid “I might have to commit and then what or sex is bad and leads to marriage???” And you are still that young teenager jerking yourself alone in the loo or watching porn on internet and TV.
Spontaneous early childhood, when smothered by adults by their wrong notions of morality, prudishness, self righteousness, fears, doubts, over confidence, creates race of human beings who live in neurotic paranoia and in a constant state of anxious existence. This my dear ones is control! And it can one day leave you empty handed and desolate!!!!
Allowance leads to wholesomeness and inner strength. Control leads to lack of spirit and creativity!!!!
WOW and PHEW and AMEN!